Probably the stupidest thing I wrote in highschool

The Oracle


God made earth. Soon after that, he died and was relegated to The Calculator where the unreal and imaginary things live. He was offered a spot in Closets and Things that Go Bump in the Night, but he was scared of the dark.


First, a background check. God, whose full name is Zhxtr!J!xXxZ (pronounced with various clicks, burps, and shimmies; closest English approximation would be Franklin), had never truly contemplated his own existence and was of the opinion that he created himself. Contrary to popular belief, he did not make man in his own image because he was a porcuduck and became very self-conscious of his figure in later life and did not care to make a whole specie of insecure animals. The only human ever to have thought of and written about a porcuduck was the Indian nonsense author Sukumar Ray who was not hailed as the messiah because of a.) his neatly parted hair and clean shaven face and b.) his relatively normal death.


On his first day at The Calculator, God ate lunch with i. The letter/number/concept who shall from hereon be referred to as Claudia had long red hair and preposterously huge buck teeth. God had a sort of crush on her, to tell you the truth. They shared a grilled-cheese sandwich and an impossibly circular pi while they both lamented the advancement of Logic on earth.

            “You know, I just created Logic for entertainment purposes. I mean there they were, poor little humans, all forlorn, cold, and lonely most of all. So I figure I should give them a little present and the bastards turn it into a tenant of existence! And look what it led to. They are doomed.”  He took a miserable bite of his sandwich. Claudia smiled a sweet smile, not realizing she had pi stuck in her (and it really must be mentioned again) abnormal incisors.

            “Oh, I know! I can’t tell you how many high school students and even adults have doubted my existence! They’re all, ‘Square roots! Negative one! We’re confused!’ But y’know, whatever, it’s okay. The Calculator is really not such a bad place to live. Hey, cheer up God, what’s the matter?” She noticed his bill was faded and his quills were looking rather forlorn.

            “I don’t know, I guess I just really miss watching earth, as stupid as its inhabitants are. It was like my baby, you know?” Claudia shook her head. She didn’t really know. But she was smart and she came up with a plan. She suggested that plan with the softness of an imaginary number.


From inside The Calculator, God made the Internet.




At first, it was glorious, as godly things tend to be. It was a mirror that reflected skyscrapers and capitalism and the promise of one day being able to purchase rare Dinosaur Jr. albums without needing to put on any clothes. But then humans got their grimy hands on it- disease and pestilence invariably followed. They did not know that God was watching them.


God usually enjoyed his leisurely strolls through the endless information. It gave him great pride to see what tripe opposable thumbs could think up. However, as the centuries progressed, he went from being fascinatedly amused to being downright revolted. In the process of jogging through all the creation myths of the world, God stumbled upon one that not only skinned his knee, but made him furious.

            “How dare they antagonize the apple?” he thought angrily. Apples were his favorite fruit. He kept reading and found out that the first man was supposedly called Adam when in fact her name was Sally and she was artificially inseminated with the sperm of a long-extinct animal called moron, whose behavioral characteristics are still evident in humans today.


One thing he did not understand was the volume of pornography on the Internet. It seemed to be exhibitionism of a mildly acrobatic sort, but he did not understand the significance of certain highlighted body parts. He almost asked Claudia about it but a vague sense of foreboding and the upside-down number 59009 stopped him.


It was the end of Time. God had seen much by then. He saw the rise and fall of Google, and saw the dawning of the empire of Yoohoo- a stark black and white search engine with only a black box and a cursor on its face. He saw the emergence of a new class of people, the Robots, whose human interaction stopped at suckling at their mothers’ bosoms. He had visited every forum and every fan site dedicated to Tyra Banks and once, just once, came dangerously close to questioning his own existence while surfing Wikipedia. During this time, he and Claudia had had some children (whose descriptions I cannot provide in fears of  my utensils and nearby brains imploding) and took up tobogganing. Overall, he was a happy fellow. However, the end of Time was imminent and the humans clearly had no idea. They were still firm believers of logic.


Time was the line at the DMV in The Calculator. Most everyone, even God, thought it was endless. However, it was found to have an end and that caused so much confusion that it was announced that all of existence would cease to exist. God knew he had to do it. He reluctantly destroyed the Internet, and, consequently, destroyed humankind. Even those humans who had never heard of the Internet (very, very few of them were left- they were usually blind, deaf, and comatose) wasted away merely because their lives were disconcertingly connected in the world wide web of vitals: health, commerce, and most importantly, relationships.


After the dust cleared, what was left made God glad that it was the end of Time. The earth was reduced to pristine dirt and salty water. Small bacteria crawled in the waters and even a plant or two survived. Then, like a television turning off, everything ceased to exist.


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