Teen Angst

This post I Was a Teenage Nihilist on Rookie made me go on a hard reminiscence trip back to high school. Go read it first!

By now it’s a classic (common) narrative of the language-minded-kid finding existentialism while going through one of the more absurd institutions in existence. Pauls Toutonghi’s experience parallels mine very clearly, although I never really saw myself as an outcast and I was lucky enough to have supportive friends.

In terms of regrets, I have very very few. I really like where I am right now, and changing something in the past would lead to a different outcome. But out of curiosity, I would like to see what would’ve happened if I actually did my science homework in high school instead of obsessively IMing and writing these massively bad stories.

But yeah, something about nihilism, unrequited love, and bad poetry. I’m into all of it. I’ve been digging through my old emails from friends, from myself, and finding stuff I had forgotten I had written. High school writing can be embarrassing but also illuminating, so I think I’m gonna post some very old writing. You should leave some of yours in the comments if you feel like it.


I wrote this paper on Albert Camus senior year. It’s awfully written so I’m not gonna post it here, but I did find it interesting that the bare outlines of it still reflect certain current pre-occupations:

Focus: Man is alone before man.

1. Does man have a destiny?
2. Can man control his destiny?
3. If death is inevitable, then what is the point of life?
4. What is man’s responsibility towards himself and others? (Why does Rieux keep working to fight the plague?)
5. Why are all of Camus’ heroes so indifferent and lukewarm in emotions?
6. What is the significance of the sea and sun and heat, which are present in all three novels?
7. What is the role of hope in life? (Why does Mersault reject religion even while facing execution? Why was he against capital punishment?)
8. How did the current state of nation affect Camus’ writings? (Was The Plague an allegory to the French resistance of Nazi occupation?)
9. Why does Camus so vividly describe the minor details of everyday life?
10. What is Camus’ stance on suicide?

Thesis: According to Camus, living for the present is the only feasible point to an absurd life and everything else is an accessory.


I remember writing this in Spanish class, haha.


I see Russia in the early light with its onion tops veiled in its ice milk
I see baby flowers bursting forth from your laughter and I’m engulfed,
Overcome with a honeyed envy.
You smile and the czar collapses
You smile and the poet rejoices

I cannot see through those brilliant eyes, downcast but defensive
I cannot relate to your baffling mind, but I have every incentive.
You say it is for the doves, for the good of the movies,
I avoid the word love.

Stroke your chin with your ivory fingers
and let your clothes down from that wirehanger body
quick look- updown stop at the toes
Clear smells linger under my nose.
Oh how the wind blows all through my head
while I listen to all the words that you’ve not yet said.

it’s a pity that such musings of the mind
cannot be expressed with such dismal tools.
“What the fuck?” you say with the a most confused expression
“Since when did you start talking beautiful?”
I try to talk but,
tangerine trees burst forth and I’m rendered speechless
And then you smile
And then I say
“Oh who needs god oh who wants love”
And the snow drifts down all the while.


Kreugenpansen never finished this song possibly because it was terrible, but I find it hilarious now.

A Good Question

What’s the point of writing songs
what’s the point of writing songs
when all you’re going gone gone gone
what’s the point of writing songs?!

What’s the point of making love
what’s the point of making love
cause all you do is fuck fuck fuck
oh what’s the point of making love?!

No point, no point at all, no point, no point at all
scary but true it’s scary but true
You’re right, you’re right, albert camus
No point, no point at all, no point, no point at all

What’s the point of being right
what’s the point of being right
you’re gonna die alone in the fight fight fight
so what’s the point of being right?

Die die die, yeah die die die
sooner or later you’ll die die die
and when it comes yeah when it comes
You’ll see that there’s no point at all.


I feel like I just confessed a lot of sins.


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